I was joking with my husband about what a dating website would say about me if they took my profile. My for real self… And his profile… His real self. There is a lot of funny,  a lot of weird, a lot of good in both of us.

It’s fun to be in a relationship. It’s infuriating to be in a relationship.

She sleeps a lot and he works a lot. How does anyone ever make a relationship work? We asked each other this. I don’t actually know how – but He does make it work. 

I think it’s taken us this past decade to appreciate this imperfect way of moving forward with love and patience.

Being an adult, taking responsibility for your feelings and actions, not stressing over others reactions takes time and intentionally.  God knew what each of us would need in a spouse. He didn’t make a mistake when He made either one of us. And drew our hearts together. I guess it’s our job to trust that.






Thank goodness that there is a Person to take it all to. And Jesus always, always gets it.

He holds our feelings and listens. There isn’t a feeling He isn’t ready for. There isn’t a question He won’t listen to and then eventually answer for us.

We think we are unique in our needs but we aren’t. They come to us each at different times but the need is always the same.

Just looks different sometimes.

He gives and gives. Listens and listens. Holds and holds.

The way you feel isn’t wrong – what you do because you feel a certain way can mess you up – so I highly recommend bringing that feeling honest and whole heart to the Cross.



I like the idea of broken things being restored.

I like wholeness.  It’s what we are made for.

I however do not love that idea that I am broken. But I know that I am. And knowing that is both freeing and complicated. How does one do this? This living and being broken…

I like the ideas of seeing things restored but I know that strides can be made on earth by people who walk with Jesus. I know that He is the way to wholeness. I know that one day in heaven we will be made complete.

I wish that day were today. Well, I mean wouldn’t it be neat-o? But what I can have today and you can have today is Him…. the perfect ones love can wash over us today.

…and that presses wholeness down on us. gives us the courage to work on our lives. grow and become more like we are intended to be – more like what God had in mind when He knit us together in our mothers womb. He had a plan then and He hasn’t ever forgotten that plan.

And it can shine through our broken flesh. Or i guess it’s coming from our hearts. the heart that God made. Yes, the light shines from our hearts, that God made.

We make the mistake, sometimes – or at least I know that I do – of looking at what is lost in a situation more than what is gained. Losing stinks. But it’s part of living in a broken world.

I think of faithful followers of God who have lost things in this world and at the same time they grew in Christ – gained more of Him. And I know that God loves us and likes giving us gifts down here in the form of blessings. But I also know Him well enough to believe that He knows this world is not our home –

It’s complex. It takes time to even sort of understand that. What we see is temporary, and the things we can’t see are forever. It takes faith.

But I know that the strength and confidence that really lasts is the kind that comes from going deeper with Him. And I can’t see Him but I can know Him and I can feel Him.

 ...knowing Him has to be the very best gift He can ever give us. It should never be consider second best. On the contrary the first the best – the goal. 




I don’t like it anymore than you do. But sometimes while we are on this earth, we have to face darkness.

But we never ever face it alone.

Sure we can busy ourselves and try not to notice. But that is all the worse. We need to notice the darkness so that we can fight it with the Light.

Better yet so we can call on Jesus so we can remember He is fighting for us.

We talked about the sun and how God spoke it into being today. Spoke. It. Into. Being. That is really powerful and I like remembering that that’s the power that still holds our world. Still holds me and my world.

I can laugh at the crazy and even most of the time laugh at the future because I know Who holds it.

In Christ, we are children of Light. We already operate under Victory. We already have all the strength we are ever going to need to push through. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have to live through pain. Find victory through our pain, weak places. It’s all going to go away one day in our true home heaven. Remember that’s why you fight the good fight because you have His promise of perfection with Him in heaven. But you also have His moment by moment ever present care. Right now.

Hope it up

I once read a book by Joni Erickson Tada – a lady who was paralyzed at a young age in a diving accident. She talked about how as a Christian she looked forward to heaven and how it would perfect her physical body again just like new. It gave her hope.

Hope is good.

I remembered one part describing how she had a dream where she and her friends were swimming and everyone was perfect… able to do physical things at the optimal level. As God had intended us to be before sin and the fall of man kind. Can I get me some of that pretty please? Over here thank you very much. I’ll take a double.

So, yesterday when I was out doing my day with the kids I just thought to myself – I’m so tired of my struggles. And how you have grown and learned things but it still so far from where you wish you were. Boo and boo some more. But you know what dear friend of mine? I’m not going to let that keep me down. Nope. And I didn’t yesterday. Nope. I pressed on. I highly suggest just to spite the devil you do just that along with me today.

There is grace enough for you and me right here on Gods green earth and I intend to take Him up on His offer.

2 Thessalonians 2:13 “God chose you from the beginning.”



I have no title today

I was reading in Exodus this morning. I noticed after having spent some time- like days- away from the hustle of doing life outside my house – that I often do things just to tell myself I matter. Or to make my time seem less lonely by being out and well just doing. Buying things I don’t need to make me feel good. It was quite a brave thing to just sit at home and be. It was a minnie break through in my 30’s I guess to see this happen for myself. And I frankly, I want to continue the resistance to the pull that I have to push and be out or running over the house like a chicken with my head cut off – bossing the world around – just to feel busy. I don’t need to be doing that.

It felt nice to read my Bible slowly and pray… the courage of those woman who saved the babies and gently and very womanly had strength and faith in God enough to go up against the giant meanness that was Pharaoh. To save babies.

I want to develop that kind of courage someday.

I think well actually I know that I have had that kind of courage at different times in my life. It came from prayer and Believing. And it’s that blasted thing called being or looking busy to hide my lonely and find the significance that I already have- which is irony at it’s best- that’s kept me from talking to God in more than quick spurts of oh please help me. I honestly think its been a bit of fear mixed in with it all too. Because forever I will have that inkling that talking to God and those small surrenders that it takes to listen to Him are going to somehow keep me from something. Which is always untrue.

So, I’ll include the chapter in Exodus that I was reading today.

Exodus 1:8-21 NIV (it’s from BibleGateway.com)

Then a new king, to whom Joseph meant nothing, came to power in Egypt. “Look,” he said to his people, “the Israelites have become far too numerous for us. 10 Come, we must deal shrewdly with them or they will become even more numerous and, if war breaks out, will join our enemies, fight against us and leave the country.”

11 So they put slave masters over them to oppress them with forced labor, and they built Pithom and Rameses as store cities for Pharaoh.12 But the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied and spread; so the Egyptians came to dread the Israelites 13 and worked them ruthlessly. 14 They made their lives bitter with harsh labor in brickand mortar and with all kinds of work in the fields; in all their harsh labor the Egyptians worked them ruthlessly.

15 The king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Shiphrah and Puah, 16 “When you are helping the Hebrew women during childbirth on the delivery stool, if you see that the baby is a boy, kill him; but if it is a girl, let her live.” 17 The midwives, however, feared God and did not do what the king of Egypt had told them to do; they let the boys live. 18 Then the king of Egypt summoned the midwives and asked them, “Why have you done this? Why have you let the boys live?”

19 The midwives answered Pharaoh, “Hebrew women are not like Egyptian women; they are vigorous and give birth before the midwives arrive.”

20 So God was kind to the midwives and the people increased and became even more numerous. 21 And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own.

I pray it might bless you in some way as well.


library bathrooms and other beauties of life

I took the boys and our cutie neighbor boy to the library for a science expo. We found a parking spot and a spot to watch the science coolness take place. I tried to hold it but I just HAD TO USE THE LIBRARY BATHROOM for the one hour we were there.

I’m drinking my water people, this had to happen.

I read my kindle for Iphone at the library. And it was awesome. I thought of eating a grilled cheese and then thought the better of it. I decided, now that I’m home, I would enjoy some steamed Great Value southwestern style quinoa and it is REALLY yummy.

I looked at pictures on my phone and reminded myself that I don’t have to live at the library. But it’s uber good for our kids so I’m very glad I was able to be there.

The employees are ever kind and helpful, unless you bring back a DVD case without the DVD in it. They call and tell you its missing. They kinda sound like a security has been breached. They sound like they CANT BELIEVE that you did this. Yo. It was an accident peeps. We will find the thing (maybe).

And I like to read and horde it up in my house like the best of them – but some of the people there are in a bit of a need of… well…of… Love- it must be Love. We all need Love. 

Back to me liking to read, I enjoy reading a lot and it still baffles my Mama that I read books more than one time. Just to soak it all up. Read it in different moods, see the characters in different lights. But she still loves me even though I baffle her. She taught me how to match my clothes, fix my hair nicely, keep my hands down while the pastor is preaching. How to shop at stores like Marshals and come out looking amazing. How to hem up my pants and eat right so that they fit.

I want a new Easter dress and to get my nails done for Easter like I want the next breathe I’m hoping to breathe. But I’m going to be happy with just adding a new cardigan to a cute dress I already have and painting my own nails at home. Don’t think I’m a saint. I just can see that I already have plenty and really don’t need to scour Kohls and Ross Dress for Less for that floral print cuteness that might be out there. But for a minute I got weak at the library and kinda thought I would forget about not looking for a dress. You’ll be happy to know I remembered and came straight home like a good girl.

jumbled grace cakes

I don’t like the brand of love God is having to use in my life at the moment to pull me to Him.

I’m kinda falling on my face and dropping things a lot.

I can’t find matching socks and my laundry is all over. It makes me feel out of order-ish. Is is Spring Break or is is not? I can’t decide what to do so I’m not making any plans and then I just fall asleep on the couch twice. I drag us to the grocery store because the food in the house that could make dinner is sparse. And breakfast food is nil and void at the most.

In class yesterday – we were all supposed to be watching the instructor from the stage so we could keep up with the rhythm and the dance/exercise moves. Well I just was getting squashed by the sweet women around me so low and behold I jump to the front of the room. And my head got all jumbled and I couldn’t keep up. That bothered me. Not being able to keep up. And I was in the front. Aren’t the people in the front supposed to know what to do? Gee, there is nothing like pressure to pulse through you while music is pulsing around you and people are packed in around you.

Love in any language straight from the heart. Sandi Patti sings it to me in my car. Pulls us all together, never apart. This better be true Sandi pants. Someone has to be holding all of us together. And I know Sandi, that it’s Jesus your singing to me about.

I’m kinda getting a reminder that I am a lost sheep.

But I do have a Shepherd.

I do have Love that keeps flowing down like a waterfall.

And that is an answer in our lives we can always count on, if we can remember it.

I don’t like this thorny brand of Love God is having to use in my life – but do you know what? I have decided that love is love. I don’t always need the mushy squishy kind that I would order up if life were a restaurant and everyone including my Heavenly Father were my waiter. I need what ever I need at that moment to keep me in growth mode. To keep me in getting stronger mode. That’s what I really deep deep deep (at the bottom of my pinky toe) know that I need and want. What I really set my sail for many years ago when I started to follow Jesus.





It’s been crazy windy here all day. We stayed in the house mostly. My grandpa who is in heaven now used to say Oklahoma wind would be so bad while he was out farming as a teenager that he would literally think he was going crazy being out in it all day. I believe that.

This morning, I made it a point to get us out of the house in time so I could take 2 exercise classes with child care if I wanted to. I always thought that would be too much – but really it wasn’t. It felt great. I only stayed for the first 2 routines of the second class, but that’s because I had burned off my breakfast in the first one and was in serious need of a banana or some other quick pick me up of a snack. I’ll pack it next time. I even thought of challenging myself by going up in hand weights. Maybe I’ll try that tomorrow.

It takes awhile to get my head wrapped around changing. Even little things. But once I do I like the results. And if I don’t like them then it’s simple to just go back to the way things were before. No sweat.

When we we’re first married and had our first son, I was good about making dinner for us. I think I liked it and it was easier than taking the baby out. Then when our second bundle came along – I still baked and cooked. I remember wearing the baby in a sling while I stirred up dinner. Or putting him in his bouncy seat so he could see me. Or scream while he stared at me. Heaven knows where our 2 year old was – running up and down the hall I suppose.

My husband was and still is a good provider. And so I am sure he was out doing that – providing so we could you know, eat and sleep in a house and drive a car. We’re fancy like that. But anyway, so then as the boys have gotten older and we have chosen to home school, most of my energy has gone to that. And keeping up with my husbands job.  I noticed I hadn’t been cooking. But I did today and it was fun! I spent more at the grocery store yesterday but that meant that we actually had what I needed for dinner on hand.

A friend of mine reminded me that kids can really do well in the kitchen if we help them along, so I let our oldest help make a pie. And then when my husband came home, he put on his apron and helped too. It was great! I prayed that we would all remember this day. I hope to give these boys a happy good life so that they can build one for themselves one day. Of course problems come but if you have joy and love built around you, its so much easier to go through troubles.

I hope you had a good day too.