I’m constantly learning, this life -what it means. All the doing and the making a home, a family – friendships. I’m constantly seeking the meaning behind it all.

The pain and heartache how it somehow finally heals the more I let go of it and trust Him in this moment. I’m learning how not to lean into my sorrows, but lean hard into all of my blessings. This is healing my heart and giving me life.

There is always enough of God in the present moment, so there is always going to be enough.

We don’t have to sit and worry about what if’s and how will we – oh I know there is plenty of that to do – but we waste the present when we push for the future. AND THAT IS JUST IT – the future is unknown but the God who holds it can be known right now.

I’m constantly blessed and amazed by the way Jesus keeps coming in and loving on me. I think I’m done for and all a mess – one too many stumbles – but He takes my shoulders, turns me to Him and says all my blunders are washed away. HE FULLY FORGIVES AND ONLY SEES THE REAL ME that I may struggle to see it all for myself till eternity comes.

We humans, we get tired and stressed and fail – but God knew this would happen and He knew we would have a need for a Perfect Father and that’s exactly what He wants to be to us.

I suppose it was quite heady of me, but since I didn’t plan on committing any “very terrible” sins… although I know I’m capable (I don’t like that nasty bit of truth) …and since I didn’t in my mind think I would of ALL people ever, ever be mean to someone else (insert laughter!)…. then why Oh why would I ever ever need the Father to comfort me with the gift of His forgiveness in this season of my life? For me? I mean really? But low and behold… Oh how I need His forgiveness!

Oh how my mess of flesh doesn’t even know that high and lofty my way is the right way and, “How could you people ever!” attitude was exactly what would cause me to sin against another undeserving soul.

Ouch.

The eye opening realization of hurting someone else…. stings and bites the heart. Much the same as the feeling of being hurt by someone else, is the feeling of realizing you have done the hurting.

And absolutely no shame is allowed here any longer than to say, “Lord I need your forgiveness here” and the courage and opportunity to obey and gently but honestly fess up to the hurt party…about my being human too and missing something that God wanted me to see. This is probably a place to be short and to the point because what we are not doing is opening up the opportunity to become a human soul slave to this hurt person.

Apologizing is an act of obedience to Him. Not to them.

Letting our eyes open widely enough, our hearts to feel past our thought- to- be- right conviction on a gray area (like where to eat or how to pay for something or how to celebrate a holiday) letting our eyes open past these places is scary and well really scary but really freeing too.

We find we do have the heart space to let others wants trump our own a bit because of the love we have in us. His love.

Seeing my own depravity and need to be forgiven by Jesus for the very very long time I thought the people in my life were the reason that I am who I am today… oh how I finally see it is God who is responsible for making me His. And I know how good and not guilt ridden His love is.

Knowing this is the way our Heavenly Father loves, frees me to lean into living this way too. I say it that way because I have to learn to do this – break away from the unhealthy patterns. Following His easy to swallow way instead.

“Then your salvation will come down like the dawn,

and your wounds will quickly heal.

Your godliness will lead you forward,

and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.” Isaiah 58:8-9

Can I remind us all please that we don’t have to give a 5 star performance like we are always on American Idol in front of the judges all the time?? Just a simple, messy human attempt at doing what Jesus would want us to do is all I am aiming for. No applause will come. And none is needed.

Sometimes it’s just best to start with what you know.

I know I am supposed to trust God with my unknowns, with my feelings that are ever changing, with the people in my life who’s minds I can’t and never will be able to read. I know I am supposed to trust. So I try to do this – but my mind, my memory, my what ifs and how on earths push hard at my attempts to trusting again today. About yesterday what I remember, about today and tomorrow what I don’t know yet. And I sit frozen and know that life is trying to happen around me and I beg it to stop and hunger for it to go all in the same second.

I will myself to pray – pray for my heart to be soft enough, open enough for a minute to receive the prayer written out sitting next to me. I know from experience this is where I’ll get the oxygen for another day. Our son rides his bike in a circle around his reading, coloring Mama. I try to smile because I want this day -this moment.

And that’s when I decide, if I can sit here in our garage and trust the bolts that hold up the garage door and all its mechanisms in place not to fall on my head or his with very little thought, then I can trust God to hold our life in place.

I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all make sense right now. I wish I could make everyone smile and feel amazing about themselves…every moment of every day. But that isn’t reality. And it would be moving my focus to people worship instead of God worship. And that gets everything all messed up.

But I DO hope you have just enough time, oxygen, thought in your day to grab onto hope. I pray you can Trust Him today where you think it might not come well out without Him.

Much love, Erin

Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! v.7 The Lord of Heavens Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress.”

EVEN THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH YOU ARE BY MY SIDE – YOU ARE HERE WITH ME TO COMFORT –

We walk through many deaths on our way to becoming like Jesus. They hurt just like a real death. It feels strange to try to part with a habit or pattern that has become like skin to us – just like losing a person. Only this separation is harder in some ways – because you have to work to lose it – to get it to go away. And it leaves a scar and feels like surgery.

But the verses at the top, from Psalms let us know we aren’t doing this fight – this battle to push out destructive habits old comforts alone – we have the angel armies fighting for us and we have Gods hand to hold.

 

Sometimes in life, this is really true – more than just a beautifully written song ~ He really does call us out on the waters where oceans are deep and our feet really could and do fail us. Deep oceans and dark skies are unknown to us, much like life is sometimes – and failing is all we seem to be doing. Or all those around us seem to be doing and we are put tightly in the situation with them. These are the times when we can not lose sight of the Father, Who is our Shore. His promises become all we can cling to and so we do. And they prove faithful. For Gods promises to prove true to each individual, we must first know them, then believe them and then wait for them to come to pass. Readjust our sails to so that we are moving in His desired direction – going after, waiting for His will. I know this must be wrestled out over and over with Him sometimes but then when we rest there, tired from thinking of “better in our eyes” solutions – we finally just say Here I am Lord. And we wait ~

He shines so much brilliant light on our path while we are sailing the rocky and rough waters to get the next shoreline.

He is the best Lighthouse ever.

Showering us with gentle love that we can tuck just in the right places of our hearts. He DOES want us to continue living while we are soul waiting for something from Him – His chiseling on our heart and remolding it – He never ever leaves us in the heat on the waves alone.

His gifts of love while we wait in growing pain places will far out number the hurts tucked in the process that want so badly to leave scars but the Good Love of the Father does not stop coming.  While we are burning in our growing pains or cheering someone we love on in their heat – we are good to count and take notice of all the Love that is packed in. Sure, there are near hopeless moments (or so we feel) but there is really never a hopeless moment when our Hope is founded in Him. The Eternal One.

The Lord whispers in my Spirit, I have come. That may seem silly to you, but I have been talking to Him for a very long time about Him coming for me on this one important thing. This thing that I could not ever in a million years have had what it took to accomplish on my own.

I have had to let go off my plan about fixing it, and let God have control one measly little human step at a time. See we think the funniest things down here! “Oh wow I have really accomplished a lot and oh wow I am such an amazing person. Can’t you hear what they say about me?!!”

Ha. People. Seriously! God is so on a different scale of wonderfulness.

This is our job – mine and yours in the midst of our attempting to obey His timing – keep cooperating with God in spite of the doubts you may feel and the pain you may think you will have to endure. Keep cooperating day by day, choice by choice with God believing in His Always Coming to Us Loving Kindness. There. Now that deserves to be put in all caps. Not my humaness… But His faithfulness.

 

I am a recovering perfectionist who has wasted much of her life people pleasing instead of people loving… Oh you who struggle let me tell you there is hope for you and your own ailment of soul. And life is waiting for you on the other side. You see, we humans are never born patient and we assume that even beginning the insurmountable task of changing and growing will be too much, too hard and we will never ever get to Wal-Mart to pick up our groceries on time and our hair combed and teeth brushed if we try to add prayer and growing into the mix of things. Well, I am here to tell you YOU CAN DO IT. In fact, I can’t wait for you to start! Because as you and I serve One Powerful Amazing God we have His power easily accessible to us through scripture and prayer. We just have to add the believing and the empty heart space to the recipe. Go on, scoot that sore old mess out of your heart and into His loving hands. I was talking to a friend at church and she said that like me she didn’t have a bag of bar hopping sins to hand to God but she did have a lot of acceptable nagging sins that were keeping her from the life she could be living and that that was making Satan happy and her down right tired. I get it. Don’t you? Well let me get you started with some old fashioned encouragement from one sister to another and a verse. Yes, you have to read this verse even though you just got home from church. Me too. (We cant leave him on the pew and expect to carry Him in our hearts too.) Kinda like you have to actually apply the hairspray to get your hair to hold, you know?

2 Corinthians 5:21 “For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.”

Say the verse a time or two out loud and then pray it over your sin quietly to yourself. Believing in His power to purify you! 

 

 

Isn’t it true that God is always so very faithful in our lives – He is always moving stones for us. It takes awhile for me to realize that my stones are stones of course. I get so used to carry them with me – but I love it when He shows me and then gives me the prayers to break the chains that have me bound up.

Oh I may not look bound up on the outside but my insides are screaming HELP! and help us He always, always does. Even if it takes a week of messing with the stone around our neck, Lord why won’t you take this off! It’s so heavy!

I whine it out to Him. Then I nearly want to whine it out to my husband THIS PROBLEM IS SO INSURMOUNTABLE… when I realize that is a bad idea – he is my companion not my healer. So I find some Truth on my phone, put in my heart while we wait for our name to be called at the restaurant… they call our name, he gets up to go – I stay for a minute because I know where the real hunger in me is.  I can’t be pulling on, expecting my people to fix my sideways heart – it’s me and Jesus that can do the fixing the refocusing. I try to hear my husband when he tells me I’m looking good tonight. I try to believe him while I’m trying to believe Him.

Calming myself down because I really know what I need. I remember seeing the words, “He still moves stones” somewhere. It comes to my mind. My parents aren’t perfect but they were often seeking Him as I grew and they still do now and I see how messy growing is. On all of us. IF we are honest. No matter what our ages.

God does stop the crazy from rolling around in my mind and heart when I let Him have it –I purposefully let it go. Name it and call it trash so it has to go. He gives me the power through prayer. (it just took me all week to notice it)

Then I call my mom, and I don’t tell her about the mind struggle all week – although I think I want to – I talk about life and we laugh at how funny living can be with people like ourselves 🙂  The laughing is deep and hearty and I stop the spin of worry and SOMEONE MUST HEAR HOW HARD MY LIFE IS cry. because I have wrestled it out with Jesus. you can see the mess of books and bibles on my bedroom floor, drug with me all week back and forth from my home to my grandma’s where we are helping her not feel alone. You can see my seeking on my e-mails where I ask for and receive real prayer help from sisters in Christ.  Everyone’s life is hard. Everyone should laugh and breathe and take themselves a lot less seriously.   🙂

I love growing up in Jesus ~

 

My  Grandpa that was a big part of my daily life finally got to go on to heaven. 90 years old. But the trouble is our Grandma misses him a lot and it’s strange to think that he isn’t sitting in his brown recliner out in the country where it just always was.

My kids and I have nearly tossed our lives out of orbit to make sure we are visiting our Nana ( my grandma) often. It’s an hour away. I have to pack clothes and food. It’s made me nutty and tired. My normal time to exercise has to be moved to late in the day. My body and brain are not liking this.  But I know that it’s just what I am supposed to be doing. I want to even. Yesterday, I was all packed and mentally ready to hop in the car and go lest I get a call that she was ever so lonely. No one likes lonely especially after 42 years of marriage.

But I am not her Savior. I must remember this. My children aren’t her Savior either. I forget this Savior business sometimes. HE RUNS THE UNIVERSE. Breathe.

We ARE loving on my Nana well. We ARE being available. This is good. I would even go as far to say that for this time -it’s what God wants us to be doing with some of our time. It’s an obedience thing.

Something that, on His strength and in His timing He knew I would be able to do for others.  It’s hard work though. Which pays to say that God knows when His children need some extra heavy lifting.

I could smile and just tell you that it brings me so much happiness to be loving onon my dear grandma. And that because I had God it was just slippery slope easy! But I am not going to do that. Even though I am trusting God like you are probably doing – it is still OK to be human! Tired – drained emotionally. But that’s maybe exactly how God wanted me to be. For His compassion’s could keep on being my food?!

When He says to us, Trust me with all your heart – He really means it! Making us new in the process.

Here is a song to press these truths into our hearts just a little more. SOAK IT UP. Trust your life to Someone else with me

I was shopping on the clearance rack at Old Navy the other day. Alone 🙂 Sometimes I just feel the urge to say something kind to the stranger shopping beside me. So I spoke up and said to the lady Have you had a nice day today? And she looked at me a little surprised but then answered back, Yes I have. I told her that I hoped I hadn’t made her feel funny by me asking and she said No and that really we are very lucky to live the lives we live.

I have to agree with her.

We have so much to be thankful for every day. And if I’m getting my hair all tousled about my schedule or what I need to do – maybe it isn’t my lives fault at all – maybe it’s my poor idea of what is really important.

Running us all over the world or keeping up with my routine to a T is not what I was put here for.

Taking things as they come and letting myself breathe. So, my kids can breathe. and reminding them to be thankful and not grumble over what I fix up for dinner because we always always have full bellies and plenty.