I’m presumptuous and I want to assume I’m doing Gods will all the time. Like I’m some saint. Like I’m good.
I want to feel holy and nun like. Sweet and dear. Spotless and blameless.
And really I am instead presumptuous and heady to think me a wretched sinner only ever saved at all by His grace alone – could for a bit a day an hour a minute be pure and righteous by something I have done – to be good. After all I brushed my teeth and didn’t lie that I remember today. I smiled at the cashier. I drove my Mom to see her aging Mom. I thought about how to honor my family. I thought of my sons feelings even when they put me out a bit. I had a cool even temper. I thought to share some truth with others, to spur on another. So there now, aren’t I a good girl?
The only problem is, I know I really only learned how to do any of this at the foot of the cross, with a really good Teacher. I know that any goodness isn’t from me its been learned from Him. I know of the many times I did yell or act inconvenience when my small son needed something from me I wasn’t willing to happily give.
My husband and I – we learn how not to yell at one another when we don’t see eye to eye – we learn how to talk calmly more often than not. And we had to Learn that. We had to be taught. We weren’t born this way. We too like you, spent hours and or days and long, very long nights being impishly angry at the other one for having a differing view, differing needs. For merely breathing. It wasn’t at all good. And God in all His good Godness says still I am near you and I want to show you.
His love never stopped because you did the wrong thing – and His love didn’t suddenly flow heavier down because you were so very good that day. It just won’t ever work like that ~ I so badly think I want to keep score, tell Him when I’m worthy and when I’m not. So, maybe I waste all my time not just letting the river of His sufficient grace flow down on me…. know who is the fool….
All He asks is for me to Rest in Him, for me to Trust. And I might take all my days to do this – but I will keep going back to trusting – to resting… and He won’t ever pull an inch of His love away from me ~ This part I like best of all.